God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
