can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
