After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
