Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
we're so committed to being not committed
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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