No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
