Your tits are I can't wait for
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
