Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
