I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
