I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
