I wish they made helmets for livers.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
