i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
