Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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