halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
