I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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