im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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