happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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