Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
