1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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