some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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