I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
