he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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