I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
