Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
