what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
