we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
