and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
