I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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