I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
