I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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