I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
