Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
