i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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