my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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