I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
