guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
