Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
