i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
