T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
