She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
