Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Randomize
