remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
