I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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