Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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