i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
