remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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