she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
