I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
