Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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