i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
