it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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